Destruction of Music

TT took my seat in orchestra. Of course I didn’t feel that great. I practiced everyday for 3-5 hours and I get thrown back. TT was a good player but I knew I could be better than him. I needed to be better than him.

I would still practice everyday but I fell into a small “depression”. I started practicing less and less because I just felt like I was a terrible player. I’ve been coming more anxious when I play since my mindset was: If I mess up people will think I suck. Everyday I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why I’m such a bad player, but what was I doing wrong? TT was getting better everyday but I was laying in my bed regretting playing my instrument.

I’ve been in this state for almost a month and a half until one day my orchestra teacher gave me an audition offer for an event called Superintendent’s Honors Orchestra as well as a composition competition. I was given the music for the event and the rules for the composition competition the same day I found out. TT over heard that I wanted to go to these events so he asked the orchestra teacher as well.

I immediately got really nervous when he decided to do the audition for the orchestra but the composition competition nobody can beat me. I have been studying music theory since I was 4 years old, I have synesthesia (associate color to music), and I’ve been writing music since I was 7. TT does not have a chance to go against me in composition.

However, TT was writing orchestral pieces though they were good they were not playable for a musician or consistent when listening. He follows rules, makes the music sound good but this is an art. But who cares I just started to write the day I was given the instructions.

I got a piece of paper and wrote. But unfortunately, I had to go to my dads side for the weekend. My dad has been in issue in my life since the beginning of freshmen year. My father didn’t want me to do music since its not a money maker and he says I wasn’t talented enough. But it doesn’t matter I wanted to follow my passion so I continued to do music. I also had “step sisters and a step mom” who were okay but the sisters are not. I have two “step sisters” ones is 3 years older than me and the other was 5 years younger ( I was 15 at the time). I don’t like kids and I don’t like people who are completely ignorant and stupid so I don’t really talk to them. The older “sister” likes musical theater but is terrible at singing since she knows nothing about music, but here’s the stupid part I’ve tried to help her and she doesn’t take my advice. Makes sense why she’s always working back stage.

Once I step foot in the house, I began to write. By the end of the night I wrote 26 pages of music for a string orchestra. I went to sleep, woke up and wrote again. My “step mom” knocked on the door but I didn’t respond hoping she wouldn’t open. I didn’t want to be distracted from my art but they still opened the door. “Good morning, Breakfast is ready”, she said nicely. I responded nicely as well “Okay I will be down soon”, but the older step sister didn’t seem to like my response so she told my dad that I was writing music and didn’t want to come down bc music was more important than family. My dad believed her and he ran upstairs.

My dad began arguing with me saying that music is not important. I will never gain any recognition or be successful in music. But I responded “well you’ve never been a successful father so I guess we have something in common”, this was a big mistake in my part. My dad turned red and he grabbed my papers filled with finished music and took it to his room. I chased after him but he pushed me hard enough to make me fall and enough for him to turn on the shredder and shred all my hard work. “Try being successful now”, was the ending of our argument.

All 30 of my pages of music was destroyed. My dad has lost his son that day. I’ve never looked at my dad with so much hatred and anger. He’s destroyed the most important thing to me. My piece was gone and so was my love for my dad.